Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
You Might Also Like
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are