breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
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[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978