I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
You Might Also Like
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
(Musicians.)
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.