It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
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Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
The Friday File.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not