Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
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Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference