[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
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u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
At least try to make it slightly believable
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!