With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
The USS B port
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Grandmother clock.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe