What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Do one person every day that scares you.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.