Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat