Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
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watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.