I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
You Might Also Like
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes