I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My Plans 2020
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-