@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
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His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.