Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
You Might Also Like
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
It do be feeling this way.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses