got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
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“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Cucumbers Anonymous
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
This forever.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.