inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
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Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
dads on road-trips be like
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*