“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
this makes me so uncomfortable
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Isn’t
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok