Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
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IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”