I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
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[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them