If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
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At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!