[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall