Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?