I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
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My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Writing, She Murdered.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there