“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
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My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling