Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
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I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing