GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.