The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
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karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
next question.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
This why you should mind your business
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.