Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
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This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.