brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
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When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I love the honesty
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter