Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
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Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.