Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
How high do the levels go?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Body by sandwich.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?