*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
You Might Also Like
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
pictures of spider-man
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.