Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
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Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.