[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
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I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Just why bro?!
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…