Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
and this one
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.