don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
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Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME