DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
You Might Also Like
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
A couple who are silly together stay together.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill