OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
You Might Also Like
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Whoa… oh I see lol
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?