This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
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Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
These are too funny not to post 😂
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.