Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.