[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
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ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.