Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol