Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
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Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
somebody come look at this
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.