My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
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I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
me 2 months after i graduated
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police