Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.