[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
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We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.