A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
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Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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