THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
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uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
going to the ER y’all need anything
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭