Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
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Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
December birthdays be like…
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri