“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
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I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Guilty! 🤪
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”